YeeHaw! Out of Control Cooter

Honestly, could anyone pen a better headline?  Check out this story regarding Ben Jones, better known as Cooter from the Dukes of Hazzard – the real one not that Jessica Simpson crap.  Cooter (I love saying it) guesses he drank 43,000 beers; drank 2,000 jugs of whiskey, wine, gin and vodka; and smoked pounds of pot in a 20 period.

Hot damn!  I used to feel like a king when I’d knock out a six pack watching a football game.  I’m going to go put my skirt back on.

Once Again I Beat Wifey!

This weekend I triumphed once again. King, our second child, said Dada and Daddy. He says no other words, right now, he’s only 7 months.

Lil’ Man also said Dada first, much to Wifey’s chagrin. In fact Lil’ Man said a whole host of other words before he said Mama at 15 months. He said Dada at 8 months.

So what it boils down to is that after 9 months of carrying the rugrats in her womb, a very uncomfortable 9 months, enduring childbirth twice, and endless days and nights of breastfeeding, my boys know who really runs the show! I am so proud.

More Publishers’ Clearinghouse Sweepstakes on the Way

Ed McMahon’s house is in foreclosure.  According to him, he has a solid grasp of economics 101 as he told Larry King “Well, if you spend more money than you make, you know what happens. And it can happen. You know, a couple of divorces thrown in, a few things like that. And, you know, things happen.”

Although, I think skirt chasing may be his undoing.  Two divorces and now, Pam McMahon his much much younger third wife, must be rethinking he decision to marry Fixodent’s next celebrity spokesman.

In the meantime, I expect to be a possible $10 million winner!

Are you people insane?

I was aghast yesterday to learn that two gorgeous women were removed from a Seattle Mariners game.  Their crime?  They were kissing.  Now they claim to have been having a nice day out as a couple, giving each other some affectionate kisses. Some others claimed that they were making out and groping each other.

As a result, some complained that they would have to explain to their kids why two women were kissing.  To them (particularly Jim Ridneour of Seattle), I say shut the fuck up and remove the stick from your ass.

You should not interfere with a such a beautiful thing as rare as a lunar eclipse.   Watching two women make out is a beautiful thing (unless of course one of them looks like this).  The fact that it was happening at a baseball game is gravy.

As far as your kids are concerned, I don’t see the problem with telling kids that people in love (or lust) kiss.  It’s only natural.

Let Them Marry

It may come as a huge surprise to my loyal readers (which judging by the ratings are few), but I am apparently liberal. Although, I consider myself more of a moderate.

I believe in gun control, a woman’s right to choose, and taxes. But I am also a strong supporter of tough crime laws, fiscal responsibility, and the death penalty. I am also not a fan of affirmative action.

But what puts me firmly in the camp of the liberals is my belief that homosexuals should have the right to marry. There is no logical reason to prohibit the arrangement. Marriage is a contract and nothing more. If you think I am kidding, then go talk to a lawyer.

Historically, a marriage contract was between the father of the bride and the groom. The bride was considered the property of her father and he gave his daughter in exchange for the promise from the groom that the father would not have the cost of keeping the bride alive. Usually, the father paid the groom a dowry to help defray the cost.

The idiots running many state governments (and my beloved USA) who attend zealot christian churches would have you believe otherwise. They say that marriage has been always the dominion of a man and a woman. According to them , it’s in the bible for fucks sake.  I am no religious scholar, but I seem to recall that many if not all of the men in the bible had multiple wives: Abraham, Issac, Joseph, Jacob, etc. Not one man and one woman as idiot Bush would have you believe.

So marriage is now between two people who love each other and want to contract to spend their lives together. Who are we to tell them that because both have the same genitalia that they are different and inferior? I won’t and can’t believe that any decent, honest American would either. I hope the people of California support the efforts of Steve Smith and the Equity for All Effort. See the story here.

A True Hero – Robert N. Klein

Sad, but true story.  A guy I knew and used to work with died this Memorial Day morning.  He drowned trying to save his 11 and 14 year old sons from a rip current.  Thankfully, they survived and are doing as well given the circumstances.  See the story and tributes here, here, and here.  He was 49 and died a hero.

He was all about his family and helping his community.   We will miss you Bobby.

DOH!

If Wifey left me home alone while she went on an out of town trip, I might do some stuff for myself. For instance, I might go to some bars. I could watch all the sports I wanted and smoked my cigars without a care. I might even go fishing. What I would not do is pay a chick $100 an hour for something Wifey is obligated to do – clean the house.

But that’s just me. Apparently, an unnamed 50 year old Tampa man thought it would be a good idea to pay $100 to have a woman clean his house while she was naked. I’m sorry there is absolutely nothing attractive about that. Not only did she clean the floors, she clean the wife’s jewelry box too. See the story here.

Now his wife is going to clean his clock! Should have gone to a strip club you moron.

Mon Dieu!

Michel Fournier, 64, is a former French paratrooper who spent $20 million and 20 years designing and building a balloon that would allow him to fall from 25 miles up.  Instead of his original plan of determining the effects of a fall from 25 mi have on the human body (which I theorize will result in one nasty crepe), Fournier has created another example of what happens when you let go of the string.  See the story from CNN here.

We All Know This Guy

I grew up in a little suburb called Coral Springs, Florida. Manicured lawns were everywhere – both the yards and our ladies if you know what I mean . Coral Springs is clean (except for the “renters” who are avoided at all costs), crime free (except for all the crimes that the police never disclosed on the blotter), and full of rich little shits with major inferiority complexes (not quite as wealthy as nearby Boca Raton). Everyone drives a Lexus or a Beemer. I am shocked I have not seen Coral Springs kids on shows like My Super Sweet Sixteen.

There was this arrogant prick who went to school with me. This was the guy who really wasn’t the brightest but acted like a charming know it all. The guy whose parents didn’t realize that their child was utterly full of shit all of the time. The guy who’d throw you under the bus if it made him look better (which he needed to do cause he really wasn’t that smart) or push grandpa out of the way to get at grandma. You all know the guy I’m talking about.

The guy from my past is Michael Duga, Jr. This guy was a Jewish Greg Marmalard, Stan Gable, and Glenn Gulia rolled into one – without the looks (see the above picture) or the money (he’s from Coral Springs for crying out loud – not Boca). It is because of this guy that I developed a severe distaste for Ohio State (fuck you OSU and fuck your “The” too – Go Gators!).

I have the pleasure of knowing that he did not come out on top. He was recently sentenced for his August 2007 crashing a John Edwards’ fund-raiser near Martha’s Vineyard in which he claimed to be responsible for the Edwards’ campaign security. According to the local authorities, he’s a career criminal with a history or drug abuse and petty crimes – something conveniently left off his LinkedIn profile.

You’ve done real well for yourself – even got to work with the Secret Service! Thanks for letting me know I was right about you all along Michael. Apparently, I’m not alone. I’m really not alone.  Damn it man, have you no control?

By the way, I love your photo for the next high school reunion.

Lil’ Man is Growing Up

Lil’ Man got the flu.   That means Wifey gets to play hooky this week.  While Lil’ Man is acting a little pathetic today, he Ferris Buellered the shit out of Wifey.

She and Lil’ Man are getting ready to take a nap in our bed.  The love of my life decides that it would be a good idea for Lil’ Man to get me sick by telling him to sleep on my side of the bed (I just can imagine all those flu viruses taking refuge in my pillow).

He was having none of that.  He may be sick, but Lil’ Man still was sharp.  He kept trying to get on her side, but she kept blocking him.  Then, he found his opportunity – “Softie” his dirty, saliva stained bundle of softness was lying on the floor – just out of Wifey’s reach.

So Lil’ Man, the chip off the ole block that he is, asked for Softie in only that doe eyed way every 2 year old suffering from flu can pull off.  Wifey’s bullshit meter was already in nap mode so she got up to get it for him.

Bam!  It happened that quick – Lil’ Man slid over and claimed the side of the bed he wanted.

I couldn’t have done it better myself.  I was so proud today.

Having Kids Really Hampers and Encourages Drinking

This morning, I read a great post from Dad Gone Mad. Danny Evans spent his morning-after recovery doing arts and crafts at Sunday school. I feel for the guy (although that’s what he gets for sending his kids to Sunday school).

As all parents know, drinking is a vital component of child-rearing. Drinking was probably involved when you first met your spouse (p.c. – other biological parent of your offspring). If your kid(s) were not the result of a drunken one night stand (or weekend drug fueled orgy), you and your partner probably needed alcohol to motivate the other to forgo sleep for another round of routine sex after a long day.

Once you have the little rugrats, you need to drink just to calm down at the end of the night (why do you think wet bars are so popular in the suburbs? It ain’t for the guests.) Of course, when the little shits wake you up at 7, 6, or if you are really lucky 5, the next morning, you regret that last drink.

I just can’t wait until Lil’ Man is 16 – hello designated driver!

Heck, Busey Would Give Anyone the Creeps

According to cnn.com, Gary Busey creeped out Jennifer Garner at the Oscars. Shocking! Take a look at the guy. He looks like he took a Botox shot to half his face and got shitty dentures. I’d crap my pants if grabbed me from behind. He’s lucky Garner didn’t mace his ass.

Bad Parenting of the Day

(disclaimer – I’m a lawyer, but not a litigator)  Personal injury attorneys are the pond scum of our profession.  Attorney Alan Barry of Connecticut is the King Bottomfeeder of the Day.   Why?  I’m glad you asked.

Mr. Barry is representing Vinicios Robacher.  A fine and attentive scholar from Danbury, CT.  Master Robacher, 15, is suing the city of Danbury, CT for “very severe injuries to his left eardrum” because his teacher woke him up while he was sleeping in class!!   See the article here and here.  This spoiled rotten punk has huge fucking balls.  

So what does this have to do with his parents?  They created this fucking little monster.  What parent in their right mind would allow their kid to sue their city/school/teacher because the kid was sleeping in class?  I’d understand if the kid was molested by a teacher (and it better be a male teacher and not a hot chick) or shot by a janitor going postal.  Your kid was sleeping and got caught.  If he was playing hooky and got hit by a car when he jumped the school fence and broke his ankle, I’d bet the school be at fault too!  You all did a great job raising young Vinicios.  I’d recommend you pat yourselves on the back, but I’m afraid you’d sue me for pulling a muscle.

Today is My Birthday

I’m old. I mean damn, I’m 32. I’ve got a job, a wife, 2 kids, a mortgage payment, grey hair and now a fuckin’ minivan! What’s worse is I drove the thing to work today to pick up a nice table for my house! Fuck! What the hell happened to me!

If Wifey doesn’t get down on her knees and thank me in that way a wife does once a year (instead of once a day before she got the ice), I think I am going to cry. That’s right a grown man will cry. Cause you know what nothing goes my way.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. I mean I should not have

• tight clothes,
• a receding hair line or an expanding waist line,
• to watch HGTV,
• to be active in the community,
• responsibilities,
• the music I listened to in my early teens end up on a classic rock station,
• not be able to play video games whenever I want,
• go furniture shopping,
• friends who frown on drinking before 5 (or noon for that matter),
• to beg Wifey for a hummer or any action, or
• own a motherfucking minivan!

That’s it. I’m going home and flog the bishop before heading out to watch a movie (which I get to pick) and then go home drink and play some video games (and maybe flog the bishop again cause that’s the only action I get).

John McCain is Fredo Corleone

Is it me or does McCain look like he just received the kiss of death from the Godfather?

Loser! Liar! Take Your Pick

To quote the glorious Jon Stewart – Fuck you!

Glad this lying sack of shit is gone.

Honey, is your girlfriend pregnant?

Normally, when these words are spoken by a wife most guys would think “Oh shit, how did she find out?” That is exactly what Wifey asked me this morning as I am getting dressed for work. I nearly hung myself with my tie. Then I realized I was watching Robin Meade on TV.

Through some weird alignment of the stars and planets, I was able to watch Robin Meade this morning. Lil’ Man and Wifey weren’t busting my balls about watching my morning girl. Oh Robin, how much we love you.

Anyway, Wifey said she looks great but she looks a little fuller in the face. She said she doesn’t look fat, but pregnant. I’m thinking, she looks freakin’ awesome, but of course wouldn’t say that to Wifey. I started thinking about my earlier post, it got me thinking (re: are her guns getting bigger), did Robin finally get knocked up? I know one thing for sure, if I was the guy who got her pregnant, I’d own up to that with pride!

Help, I’m Losing my Manhood

Help, I’ve begun the slow process of becoming nothing more than my old man – you know bring home the bacon, have no say in what you wear, and never getting laid.

Wifey’s lease on her Honda Accord (ooh so exciting!). She’s decided that she must have a mini-van. We have kids, so we absolutely have to have one. So last weekend, we went minivan shopping. Oh the humanity.

Every mile of the test drives (yes – there was more than one), I slowly felt testosterone draining from my body. After the second drive, I ran to the men’s room to make sure my balls were still attached – they were, but just barely! To make matters worse, the other guy in the rest room thought I had my hands down there a little too long if you know what I mean – two shakes is all it should take, any more and you might get mistaken for this guy.

After we left the dealer, I was tempted to take a Hummer for a test drive – and not that pussy H3 crap. Instead, I poured a scotch, lit up a Fuente, and “read” Playboy at 3 in the afternoon (on the patio of course cause I can’t bring that shit into the house).

A Little Bit More Robin Meade

Ok, she’s the hottest thing on the air. It’s not just her looks – although she is the HOTTEST THING ON THE AIR – this chick has intelligence, personality, talent, class, and humor. I think every red-blooded American male (and some of the ladies too!) would love to meet her (of course only those who are single). I say this despite her being a Buckeye (Go Gators!).

When I am able to get the TV on in the morning (not fighting Wifey for the local news to get a weather update or Lil’ Man who wants Sprout – I hate Teletubbies!), I get my Robin fix of the day! Lately though, I’ve noticed that my TV Girlfriend has been showing a little more cleave if you know what I mean. I don’t have those pics yet, but check these out. and these. and these. and these…

Thanks Robin – We love you!!!

A special shout out to AnchorBabes for the great picture!

Muslim Science Theater 4000

Honestly, his esteemed colleague currently residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue could easily make the same mistake. I mean come on man, you don’t have anyone with the stones to tell you that 3-D glasses are only needed for watching movies?

You’d think there’d be one guy (’cause women don’t speak to men in Iran) that would say “Uh, Mr. President, you don’t need the glasses.”

The rest of the conversation would go something ike this. “I don’t think those are subwoofers Mr. President. Yes, DTS is far superior to Dolby Digital. I do feel the rumble of the engines, but I don’t think Velodynes have that much power sir.”

New Arrival

Been silent again. Although judging by the readership, no one noticed. We had a new baby several days ago. Very different experience from the last time. We had another son, big boy. We are not getting much sleep, but its worth it. The little bugger is as cute as his big brother Has set of lungs though and never stops feeding. Lucky guy.

I’m Still Alive!!!

I’ve survived another Bosses’ Day.  Every year the staff makes all of the bosses a big feast.  They bust their asses and really go all out.  However, I tend to piss off at least one of them everyday.  I worry that they’ll poison my lunch in revenge.  Whew!

Now where’s that fucking letter I dictated?!?

Little Kids and Computers

Having grown up around computers, I think its important for children to be exposed to them. At around 18 months, we let my son play with the keyboard and mouse. He didn’t quite get it at first, but loves it.

Wifey and I got this product, Giggles Baby Shapes from Giggles Software. Basically, there are big colorful pictures with moving shapes and pleasing sounds. If he presses a key, any key, something happens on screen. He loved it. They have some new titles now.

We’ve bought him a Disney and a program called Jumpstart. He loves the programs, but keeps messing with the keyboard macros and dials. Kinda takes the fun out of it for him when the screen reverts back to the desktop unexpectedly. So I came across this great article to make your PC more toddler friendly. Between a kid friendly keyboard and some controls on your desktop, a little bugger can really have some harmless fun.

Capital punishment is not used enough

James P. Colliton, 42, was a successful family man. This hard working tax lawyer for Cravath Swaine and Moore was a married man with 5 kids. He worked in New York and made a cool $500k.

Turns out good ole Jim had a naughty side too. See story here and here and here. See Jim liked the ladies. He liked ‘em young and liked ‘em vulnerable. This model citizens paid two girls (one under 15) and their mother to have sex. He had another minor as well. Jim was a back door man too. If you gonna roll that way, might as well go for broke.

Well our buddy Jim pled guilty to two felonies and a prostitution related charge and was sentenced to 2 years. Jim was expected to be released already after 19 months of time served! What the hell? At a minimum, corrections should go Abner Louima his ass.

Our friends on Wall Street have a slightly more reserved take on this story. They should, they’re classy.

Damn it’s late!

Hello. I know it’s late. This is when I get my “me” time. My 2+ year old son (the greatest kid in the world, trust me you’d think so too if you met him) finally went to bed after a night of baseball, milk, and mac and cheese. Wifey, 9 months and 13? days pregnant (she’s due Monday!) finally passed out after endless backrubs and trips to the bathroom during the commercials a Bridezilla/House Hunters/whatever the fuck is on We! marathon (fuckin’ DVR).

Just flipped on HBO. Damn Sonya Walger’s got great tits! It’s a shame she always plays an uptight bitch. Makes me wonder how good I really have it. I mean are most wives that mental? Check out Mind of a Married Man (funny) and Tell Me You Love Me (boring) for some examples. But those tits!

Finally, watched SNL from last week. Oh Chevy you had me at “not” but lost me when the rust shows! I love ya man, but not since Christmas Vacation.

For the record, Ann Coulter has finally lost her marbles! I hate that bitch. The fact that she pisses me off, well pisses me off.

At the rate the season is heading, Notre Dame will finally be in the Big 10 (as in 1-11).